so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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