I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
