So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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