My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but donβt worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. Iβm like a hamster.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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