Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
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The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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