you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
