Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
