Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
