We're facebook friends in real life
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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