sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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