You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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