Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
