just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
