Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
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His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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