The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
