I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
