I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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