my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
