After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want to make out with him forever
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
