I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
