EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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