Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
