he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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