Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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