I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
