I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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