I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
