I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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