am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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