he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
