i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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