According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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