you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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