Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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