The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
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our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
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I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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