my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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