I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
