How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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