i dedicated my morning wood to you.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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