hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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