The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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