Do you still have your period?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
