My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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