Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
