i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
