Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
