so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
