What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
