I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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