It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
