Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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