He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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