apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
