Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
