I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
