When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
