Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
